


How To Say Goodbye

by innertimetraveldetective



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Last words, Letters, Ouch, Phil's letter to Daisy, s6e11: From The Ashes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:15:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27816667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innertimetraveldetective/pseuds/innertimetraveldetective
Summary: Daisy reads Coulson's letter, this follows her thoughts as well as the letter itself (my take on it, anyway)
Relationships: Phil Coulson & Skye | Daisy Johnson
Comments: 17
Kudos: 21





	How To Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> CW for grief

_ Daisy, _

_ Or, should I say Skye?' _

She chuckled, looking up quickly, taking a deep breath before continuing.

_I don't know when you're going to read this. Knowing you, you'll leave it a while, knowing you, you'll hold on as long as possible, knowing you, you won't want to say goodbye._

She felt tears spring to her eyes, breath shaking. Of course he knew she'd wait, of course he knew her. He’d been with her for five years, he’d been who she’d gone to when things got rough. He’d been there, for so long, and then he wasn’t.

_That's okay, you can take as long as you need. It's not like I'm going anywhere. It doesn’t matter if you’re reading this in a week, or even in five years, what matters is the message, and the words in this letter are undying._

Undying. Whatever he wanted to say, whatever he needed her to know, this was it. Did she really want this to be the end, to finally accept that he was gone, that he was never coming back? Yes. It was time, she needed to be reminded of who he was, of what he meant to her. She’d lost him, in her refusal to grieve; it was time to find him again.

_ I wasn't going to waste paper on reminiscing about the past, wasn't going to waste ink on 'when we met', but I'm not sure I can make you appreciate just how proud I am of you otherwise. _

Proud. Was this going to be a walk down memory lane? With him, his point of view on what they’d had, on what she’d become, who she was? The protege, the daughter, the student. Was she more than that to him?

_ When I met you you were 'Skye'. A kid. I found you alone, in an alley, and I took you in. And Daisy, there aren't enough words in the English language to express just how glad I am to have been there, to have found you, to have been given the privilege of watching you grow, watching you become strong, incredible. _

She smiled tearily, thinking about his words, thinking about Skye. She was just a kid, they hadn't even met. She was alone, scared, losing hope, and then he was there, and he gave her a family, something to believe in. He'd been her hope, her savior, and he was gone. He'd made her into who she was, so who was she without him? She'd lost everyone, she'd just never expected he'd be next. Even a year later, she could still hardly believe he was gone. She was alone, all over again, he’d left and it had torn a gaping hole in her, a hole where he lived, his laugh, his smile. 

_ I watched you become a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent, I watched you become Inhuman, find and lose your birth parents, I watched as you became Daisy, and I can honestly say it was one of the greatest pleasures. You became my family, my hope, the daughter I never had.' _

He’d been there with her, by her side, through  _ everything,  _ the father, the mentor, the teacher. He’d been the first person to value her, to believe in her, and she would always love him for that. He’d always be who she went to when she needed strength, when she needed to believe in something, and so where could she find it now he was gone?

_ But hey, it's not just us. You'll never be alone, Daisy, I can promise you that much. I might be gone now, but you'll always hold me in your heart, I'll live on in you. Because it's you, kid, you're my legacy.  _

She was his legacy. She was what he left in the world, she was his last words, his final mission, what he wanted her to become. She was left to protect him, to be the shield, to carry his memory in her, in her family, in her heart.

_I'll live on in you, and you'll find me in the rest of our family. You'll find me in May's (sometimes strangely shown) maternal love, you'll find me in Jemma, in her love, her hope, her tenacity. You'll find me in Mack, leadership, what S.H.I.E.L.D. stands for. Most importantly, you'll find me in yourself, in my legacy._

She sniffled, brushing her hair behind her ear, letting tears fall as she thought about their days together, how he was everywhere. He was in the S.H.I.E.L.D. logo on the wall, he was in every smile, every laugh, every nightmare. His spirit lived on in all of them, never really leaving. He'd been amazing, he'd had such an impact on all of them, on the world. None of them had been left untouched by him, and being there with them, that hurt. She let out a shaking breath, stomach clenching as she thought about how May told stories about him, beaming with pride, with sadness, grief as she told them about their academy days. She saw him in Jemma, her family, her sister. She'd been there since the beginning, she'd lost him, she'd found him, just as Daisy had. She saw him in Mack, his hologram in his office, the badge on the Zephyr. She found him in the family she’d never had, the family she’d found, the family he’d given her. He was in all of them, in every laugh, every smile, every tear, every waffle, pumpkin pie, old movie. 

She found him in herself. He was her strength, her symbol. He may be gone, but she'd never be alone again. She thanked him for that, thanked him for her family, for finding her.

_ And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving so soon. I'm sorry I'll never get to walk you down the aisle, never get to tell you how proud I am of you again, never get to tell you how much I love you.  _

_ Oh,  _ he was  _ sorry _ ? Well, as long as he apologised, that fixed everything. The gaping hole in her chest, the loneliness, the anger, the pain, the fear, the pure hatred. But as long as he was sorry, sorry for leaving her, for finding her, just to leave again. Who was he, to leave so soon, to know that he'd miss everything and to have the sheer audacity to be dead anyway, for that  _ thing _ to take his face, to pretend to know her, because no one would ever know her like he did? No one would ever replace that bond, that care, that love. She hadn't even grieved him, her father, the only one who'd ever valued her. 

_ The thing I regret most, however, is that I'll never get to see what you become, never get to finish your journey with you, but hell if I'm glad I was here for the ride.' _

That was the worst part. He’d miss it all. He'd made her into who she was, and he'd never get to see who she became. He was her father, he’d believed in her unconditionally, he’d been solid, and he wouldn’t even be there for everything. She wasn’t the same person as she was when he’d left, she’d changed, she’d grown, and he’d never get to meet her. He’d written this for someone else, he’d written this for Daisy, for the girl who’d lost her father and one of her best friends. She’d changed, she was colder, quieter, fighting the grief everyday, running from its cold grasp, so afraid to let go that she hadn’t even grieved him.

_ She hadn’t even grieved him.  _ She pushed him away, she'd run off to space with Jemma, she'd left her feelings on Earth, left May to grieve alone. He'd left her, and no matter how many comforting words, whatever legacy he left her to protect, he'd never come back. She’d never eat his pancakes again, never hear his voice, see his smile again. How could that be fair, how could people just disappear like this, how was he there one minute, smiling outside her van, and the next he was a plaque in a cockpit? She covered her mouth, gasping as she cried, as his loss hit her all over again, as she heard his laugh, as he murmured 'I love you too' in her ear for the last time. 

They’d been together, through everything, he had been there, something to believe in, solid ground to stand on. As she’d lost everyone around her, he’d been there, he’d been solid, through Ward, Trip, her parents, Hive, Lincoln, Bobbi and Hunter, The Framework, and now there was nothing. Now there was an alien wearing his face, now there was nothing left of him but the parts they carried with them, nothing but a letter held in shaking hands.

_ ' love you, Daisy. I hope you know that, I hope that you can find peace. I hope you know how proud I am of you, of every version of you. You were one of the greatest joys of my life, knowing you one of the greatest prides. I'll never forget you, Daisy Johnson, and I couldn't be prouder. _

_Love, AC_

She closed the letter with shaking hands, wiping a tear away as she looked up, still holding the last words her father would ever say to her. He was proud. She’d made him proud. He loved her, he valued her, he was proud, and that was the last thing he wanted her to know. She took a deep breath opening it again to skim over his words, just to hear his love again, an ounce of the familial comfort that she’d been missing for a year, that last piece of himself he’d ever share with her.


End file.
